don't worry about how this story ends
2003-06-15 || 7:13 p.m.

It's all make believe. I can't go anywhere, I have no money. I have no-one to go with. I have no friends. I have no love. I am nothing but a tiny piece of foulness that somehow got trapped in a body with an ego that tells them different. That makes me believe I can have things. That makes me think I could be desirable and loveable. I know I am not these things. Its years and years since I had sex with anyone. It will never happen again and its not like I'm that old either. Its safe to say I'm pretty obsessed with the fact that I am wholly undesirable. Its safe to say that I dream and yearn for someone to hold me close and kiss and touch me. Its also a fact that the pain in my brain is such that only pulling a trigger could cure it. And of course I know that these things are good and just and right but it doesn't make them any easier to accept.

In a way I don't want to write this entry because it will take the place of my previous entry and the images I dream of in my previous entry keep me going.

All I would like is a couple of weeks of peace and beauty, sex and companionship. A couple of weeks where I don't have to be me.

I know the world is a beautiful place. I look at it every single day. I feel wind, I feel sun, I feel rain, I hear stones speak and trees grow. I look at other people in shops, in the street, at work and I'm so glad for them that someone would hold their hand, make them dinner when they are tired, buy them a present to cheer them up. And I feel so bad that I take up even the smallest bit of time and space that I do.

I need to find the courage somewhere inside me to let this all go because this is not just torturing me, it is torturing the person closest to me.

The things I yearn for will never be mine because they were never meant to be in the first place. I will spend my whole life alone and I will just get older and sadder and I don't want to get older and sadder and so it truly would be best just to go now.

Its not giving up, its acceptance and understanding of the way things are.

And I know I have to go because I know I will never have my two weeks in the sun by the sea because its just all make believe in my head.