the Comanche and the doll
2003-06-13 || 3:38 p.m.

I just can't get the thought out of my head that I must be in some way evil, anathema or untouchable because all I want to do is to commit suicide.

Today I was sitting in the chapel of St Joseph at Aylesford. It was strange. I sat with Helen and so she made me laugh. There was this massive wooden statue of St Joseph and Helen whispered that it looked just like the one of Saddam Hussain that was taken down a few weeks back! Then when we had to offer the sign of peace she shook my had and said 'hello!' and then during the consecration she was singing 'I should be so lucky'. I think she is so funny. She then whispered to me did I think she would be struck down, but you know, I think if God exists he would like Helen laughing in his church and the people who shushed us should be concentrating on themselves and not being bothered with what we two silly cows are doing.

But I didn't really want to write about that. Because once I'd laughed and been shushed and felt bad I just wanted to die again. The chapel was very pretty. It had a pink ceiling and behind the altar was this sort of green 1970's type tableau and I looked at all the candles and the priest and the statues and carvings and I just felt so strongly that there is no place for foulness like me in this world.

Last night Bex was talking about Buddhism and it seems kind of appealing. But it is against suicide and also she was saying that it frowns upon too much self-mortification.

I just don't have the words to describe how I feel. The setting at Aylesford is lovely. The day was just beautiful, I mean it was sunny and calm and it seemed like a good day to be alive. And there's the problem you see. It seemed like a good day to be alive.

And so I've been reading about the eightfold path and certain things make a great deal of sense. I want to be aware of what I say and what I do so I cause as little suffering around me as possible. I want to only say warm, friendly things, to only speak when appropriate but then I thought sometimes to talk trivia makes people happy so maybe I will cause suffering that way. And then I get so confused because it seems like I will cause suffering whatever. There's no way I can't and I don't know what to do about it.

And I feel like I've done something wrong but I don't know what it is.

And I wonder if I will ever even begin to understand the reasons for my sadness.