my beloved monster
2003-06-12 || 4:48 p.m.

Sometimes everything is really strange.

I had a strange night. I had sleep paralysis. I hate it when that happens. I felt in and out of my body at the same time, but it wouldn't work. I was trying to speak and I could make the words in my head but my mouth would not say them. I couldn't move my arms, I couldn't move a single bit of me. I dreamt of places that are not yet here and people I have never seen. All of them old people. Everywhere. I'm scared. I'm scared I am finished.

Never, ever walk to work playing Billy Bragg on your walkman. Fuck, it's a recipe for disaster. By the time I got to work I wanted to lay down and die, he made me feel so very sad.

And everything upsets me so. I went into Wilkinsons to get some stuff for my period and behind me was an old woman with hardly any hair buying a home perm kit and I wanted to cry. I wondered who was going to do the perm or was she going to do it herself and I felt so sad because I wondered what her life had been like. Had it been fun? Had she got the things she wanted? Had she been happy?

And then I thought about how people die. How they take things with them. Someone else may carry on their memories, they may leave records of their existence and belongings behind them, but their unique understanding and perception of the world is gone.

Today I have a melancholy, helpless feeling. I feel scared and I don't know why. I feel so far away from that other strange level of communication. And it is for that reason that I feel scared.

And I'm greedy because I always need reassurance.