I was a small mistake, sometimes that's all it takes
2003-06-04 || 6:07 p.m.

HeeHee. So its an amazing sense of freedom knowing I can write what I want in here.

Work has been really pretty dreadful. I'm free to admit it now! I'm an awful teacher! Really bad. Its a slog from the minute I go in til the minute I go home. Its all I can do to keep calm, keep positive, keep an even tone and not shout at them. And oh God if you could hear me. I am patience itself, but still they are terrible. And Bex just said to me 'but are they learning?' And I have to reply 'not if their test results are anything to go by!'

Oooh and I could share my new prayer with you all. Its a pretty cool one. I don't know if prayers get answered but this one should be. Every night I pray for everyone in the world to get exactly what it is they need to be happy and I ask God to be sure to take it from me to balance it out.

I wonder if any of you, at work or school, see the person who is ignored, the person who, when you walk in a room you see the empty seat by, so you sit somewhere else. If you do, then you are seeing me. I wonder if any of you say things about bringing partners to things, forgetting that some of us are the unloveable, the untouchable, the unkissable. Some of us are foulness itself.

And so I smile. I ask how they are. I ask did they have a good evening. Do they need any help with anything today. And they think, not from you, you cold, serious freak!

And so I will look in the mirror. I will look at the small girl with the long, wild, dark hair. With the pale skin with a few freckles, with the deep, dark, expressionless eyes and I will feel guilt that nothing ever worked out for her. Because she is actually quite sweet. She is funny and intelligent and she is so damn fucking kind. And as I look in the mirror I will see that long row of people trudging past,who could see nothing of that. I will wonder why I keep seeing the man who sexually abused her when she was nine years old. I mean really actually fucking seeing him! How funny is that! Haven't clapped eyes on him since she was 17 and now I've seen him 3 or 4 times since last September.

And when the last person goes past, I'll join on the end, so that next time when I look in the mirror, there will be no-one there at all.