I have no faith but it is all I want to be loved and believe in my soul
2003-06-03 || 9:35 p.m.

How dare I ever expect to have anything nice happen? How dare I think anyone could like me? How dare I try ever to be friends with anyone?

People do not like pieces of utter scum.

I have done so many things wrong in my life. I am just a fucked up piece of nastiness.

There is no way that ending all this could be wrong. The universe is full of so much beauty. So many people making other people happy, so many people who have love and kindess to share. There is no place for the human equivalent of a black hole.

I try so hard and yet I get it so wrong. I doubt everything about myself.

When I walk down the street I feel like I am watching a film. I do not feel real. I feel like one of those flat characters in paddington bear, but I'm the only one, everyone else is 3-D.

When I opened the cupboard earlier on this evening I just felt exhausted. I wanted to become nothing to be so small and insignificant that I could never hurt or impact in any way on anyone ever again. I was mesmerised by the cups, by the way they sit next to each other with that skinny little gap between them. I wanted to be small enough to slip between that and never be seen again.

I can see no reason for my existence at all. There are all these other vibrant, beautiful human beings around me, some of whom I know physically and some of whom I know virtually and I have no right to attempt to be part of any of their lives.

Maybe tonight I will close my eyes and it will all be gone. But do you know, really, I want to close my eyes and then open them again and find that everything is alright and that that equilibrium and beauty that I yearn for and believe in is there within my grasp, real and whole.

But I know there is nothing real in a vacuum.