There is nothing I know except that this life-time is one moment and wishing will just leave me empty.
2003-05-30 || 10:15 a.m.

It's hard to know how to write this entry.

Last night I spent a long time talking to someone. Someone whose opinion I respect more than anyone else's in the world. To me they are full of wisdom, sense and kindness and they make me feel very lacking in any of these indeed. Sometimes I think they have all the answers, sometimes I think there is nothing they could not know but really I know they are at exactly the same place that I am and then I have to shake myself to make myself remember that.

And so they helped me see many things because in a way it is like talking to myself. It's hard to explain. That makes it sound like I'm thinking of them in terms of an extension of me which is very egotistical indeed but I don't actually mean it like that. Some things just cannot be articulated very well. But they helped me see things more clearly. At one point they actually said outright that I need to become more like them and hope for nothing.

And of course they are right. They only ever say the things that I know and think anyway. Nothing they say is like an amazing revelation, it is just like I already know but I need to be reminded.

And the things they say sometimes hurt me, hurt me deeply like no-one else could hurt me, because they are true. And that is hard for me because I want to live in a fantasy world where one day I have a man to love and hold and do things with but I do know it is a fantasy for someone like me. And I have to put it right out of my head forever from this day forward. And if I could go back through all the things I've written here, I have said this before, so like I say, its not like any great amazing revelation.

And so here I am, at this point in time, at this moment which will never come again. I am lots of things indeed and I could probably never be aware of all the things I am or might be.

I could list the things I think I am and sometimes I like to do that. Why do I like to do that? well, maybe because I think there are good things about me, I think there are attractive things about me, I think I could be a lovely person. But it is too late for any of that now. The reason why it is too late is because for a certain amount of time now I have known exactly what I want and I know that I cannot have it and so nothing else will do.

So now in this diary you have a snapshot of me as I gradually lost hope, a tiny chronicle of a year of so of my life. In a few months Andrew will add me to the 'updated more than three months ago' list and it will be just like I ever existed. Which really, in effect, I never have. Not really.