There are no roots that sleep beneath my feet and hold the earth in place
2003-05-19 || 7:52 p.m.

It's just lately I've been feeling like I don't belong.
Like the ground is not mine to walk upon.

So I would like to be remembered as a smiling face
and not this fucking wreck that has taken its place.
So please forgive what I have done.
You can't stay mad at the setting sun
because we all get tired,
I mean eventually there is nothing left to do but sleep.

And so I wondered what to write...

I was watching TOTP2 and Sting was on and I thought, you know, even if you were stoned off your head, Sting would still be boring. And then there was a guitar solo and the audience clapped. It may have been because it meant Sting had stopped singing, because Deliverance it aint!

And I thought I am wasted here, sitting on the sofa, with these wisecracks.

And the final song was 'Everyday' by Slade and I wondered how many couples who got married in July 1974 (because that was the date that came up) stepped out to their first dance as bride and groom to that song. And if I was cynical I'd wonder how many of them are still together.

Bex is changing the TV channel. She doesn't seem to want to watch the coverage of the Chelsea flower show which is a bit of a shame because its usually rather lovely.

I'm feeling very sad and lonely. So sad and lonely its almost indescribable. I feel like I shouldn't be writing here because I'm so much older than most of you diarylanders. You have your lives ahead of you, mine is all behind me now. I wonder how much I have left and I sort of hope it isn't much but then I don't really want to die, not really, I just don't want to be so sad and lonely. I wonder why I will never have sex again and I wish that I would. Because I'd like to be close to someone again, so close that they would like to hold me all night and would like to share things with me. I feel old and withered, like that dreadfully sad Christina Rosetti poem about trees dying.

I don't want to feel like this but these things are out of my control.