wallflower
2003-05-04 || 3:58 p.m.

Sometimes I hate the world but really I don't because it is beautiful; it is just me that I hate.

There is such beauty in the sun and the wind and rain and sea and the blackness of the night. There is beauty in other people and the way they smile and laugh and cry and hold each other close. There is beauty in waking early in the morning on a summer's day and laying very still. There is beauty in a warm house in the middle of winter.

But there is no beauty in me.

And it's not that I use thought to avoid participating in the world, it's that all I have is thought because there is no world for me to participate in and I really don't know why that is. But I do feel bad about my thoughts because my thoughts involve other people, in an alternative reality and that is just not on.

And I want to be light and free and warm and I want to smile and be held and I want to hold someone so close that they can feel all the things I ever was or will be.

And I feel very sad and I miss someone very much.