beginnings of understandings
2003-04-29 || 7:23 a.m.

Sometimes it takes ages to come to an understanding. But I think I have.

I am a teacher because that is what ugly, unappealing, uninteresting people do. I have material things because they are needed to ensure my survival so that I can pay whatever debt it is I owe to the rest of the human race by carrying on working at something that, because I never take this person here out of the house, can only benefit others.

If the person who wrote here ever left the house it really would be time to blow their brains out.

I haven't got time to write anything else here at the moment but now that I understand I just need to accept. Then it will all stop hurting and I have to make myself thicker and more impenetrable and somehow I must have always have known these things.

And that's how it all begins to make sense.

But I'm not sure I'll ever stop feeling ashamed