a lot of cracks
2003-04-03 || 4:48 p.m.

I don't know what to write really, so I think I'll just write what's on my mind and see where it goes.

We did homophones in literacy. I gave them whiteboards and pens and they had to write sentences with the words in so I could see if they recognised the right spellings. One pair was heard/herd. Niall wrote 'a herd of sperm' and 'a herd of hormones'. I guess Niall's been given a sex education book at home.

I'm feeling really unloved. Very unloved. I tried hard to go into the staff room today but if Helen is not in there, everyone else ignores me. So in the end I went into the loo and sat in there for ten minutes.

I haven't eaten properly for a few days and I'm feeling dizzy and getting heart palpitations. I don't want to die like that. I want to die because I choose to. Fuck, it'll be the only time I ever get to make a choice.

I'm so depressed. They think I am joking at school when I say I don't care about anything, not anything at all. But I really don't.

Tomorrow I have to play netball.

I don't think the not caring thing is true really. I just don't care about very much but what I do care about is worth caring about. That's the thing. I don't care about all these peripheral things but there are some things I care very much about. There are some things and some people that I care about but I do know that me caring is worth fuck all. I do wish my life could be the way I would like it to be. I'd like to feel at peace. I'd like to see things, places, feel the grandeur of god like gerard manley hopkins wrote. What I just don't know is whether the things I think and feel are real or not. Sometimes I think everything I ever have in my head is a sham. I just know so little and I don't mind that I know so little, I would just like to be wrong for once with regard to what I know about myself. I'd like to know so little about myself that I got that wrong and was happy and surprised for once.

And now we can hear mice squealing behind the sofa and running around above us presumably under the floorboards upstairs. Rebecca is going apeshit and banging her head and I just cannot take much more, neither of us can.