get over it
2003-03-31 || 7:48 p.m.

So its British Summer Time and I thought as it had been a nice day, weatherwise, I would walk the dog by the summer route. Seemed a good thing to do somehow.

The best thing about a winter and summer route is seeing what has changed since you last saw it. Obviously this also shows how sad my life is but, well, we knew that anyway.

So what had changed? Well St Edmunds church has been knocked down and they are building flats. That was the church that Barry's funeral was held in. Seems strange that its gone. It wasn't all that old, only a 1950's church.

Then, back last June I remember writing an entry about the Golden Jubilee decorations people had up in their windows. One particularly took my fancy and I remember writing something where I said something like 'if anyone expects jubilation to be emanating from number 87 they will be sorely disappointed'. And thinking myself oh so clever. Funny thing was, it started all the Ben stuff. And then today I walked past the house that had the jubilation display and all the furniture was out smashed up and strewn about the front lawn. It was the sort of furniture that old people have and so I suppose that someone died or went into a home and I just felt so bad. I felt bad that I laughed at their display and turned it into some sort of 'I'm superior' thing. Because I'm not fucking superior am I, not at all. I bet they never did all the stupid arse stuff that I do.

And now Alain is on the phone to Bex and I want to ask him for some money but I'm too scared. Fucking pussy.

I'm trying to think what else I wanted to write about.

Well, I wanted to say who the fuck thought we could bomb a country into democracy?

And then I wanted to say something about the Albanian refugee in my class and how he got called a Greek div in the playground the other day and he told the boy who said it to 'fuck off' and apparently that evening he and his mother were in Maria's office because he said 'fuck off' and I think he should not be told off for swearing because swearing is just so not the same thing as rascism and the other boy did get into trouble too, but fucking hell values are twisted.

But I live in some sort of parallel dimension that just seems to be superimposed on top of this one that everyone else lives in.

I'm very tired of everything at the moment. What have I got to look forward to? Hmmm. Well, court. Yeah, that'll be cool won't it. Go to court to try to keep the roof over my head. Alain is claiming I put him into debt. He had to support me and I'm such a demanding bitch I put him into �24,000 of debt. Shit. Be warned. Stay well away from me.

My dad is just angry with me the whole time. He cannot understand that I just cannot face it or deal with it. I know I have to but really dying just seems so much a better option. I can't explain that I cannot pick up a pen or read a letter or compile stuff and I don't want to fight Alain, not at all, not because I care about him because I don't but just because I don't care about me and so fighting seems pointless and futile.

And last night I just felt that I truly do deserve all this. I caused it all. I killed Alain's dad. I'm convinced of it. I wrecked Alain's life. Somehow I am poison. And yet I come in this disguise that fools people.

And I wasn't going to write in here anymore but if I don't I feel so stressed that houses may start to explode. But the split personality thing will be over soon.

God, I should end on something upbeat. Oh yeah! I know.

haha. Maria today in assembly: 'This is not a school for scruffs'. Simon has no clue what an iron actually is and I look like I stepped out of a sisters of mercy video and no, not the nuns delivering sex education type of sisters of mercy video - (that's bizarre, wonderful and does exist you'll be pleased to know).

Anyone want a copy?