i will never be free of this apathy
2003-03-22 || 12:54 p.m.

After I wrote the last entry, I found I needed to write a postscript to the first entry (if that makes any sense) but the trauma of Jeff Mangum in your ears in the sancity of your own bed was too much for me and I fell asleep again. And I just woke up. I had another strange dream. Really, I should write it in my dream diary but I can't be bothered. I've more or less abandonded it because I just find remembering my dreams on a daily basis hard plus I cannot see the point of trying to lucid dream. It wasn't what I thought it was and I think it will just make me sadder than I already am. Anyway, I may well write more about this another time because that was the other thing I was thinking last night. Someone said that they didn't write about all of themselves in their diary and I replied that I thought I did, but the more I think about it, the more untrue I think that probably is.

I am tempted though.

Tempted to end in a big real entry. Because there's always a slight element of self-censorship going on, however hard you try for there not to be.

I am worried though. I told this person to read my long, honest September entry. But there may be too much of the real me in that.

Just to totally change the subject for a minute. I keep reading pro-war stuff in people's diaries. I can understand their arguments and why they use them and I freely admit I know nothing at all really. However I know that people die. I cannot understand how MORE deaths is okay, because it is more deaths. Thousands have died due to sanctions already. Military action is just the culmination of the war against Iraq. America has health sanctions againsts its own citizens too, I do believe.

I've been reading that people are hoping to be proved right regarding the weapons situation in Iraq. What I don't get is why are some countries allowed them, and others not? I've always believed in unilateral disarmament, which clearly makes me a terribly unpopular person. Its not something I would share with many, you understand. Its a bit like a dirty secret, but, yes, I do believe in it. I think unilateral disarmament would be perfectly safe for the UK, who would want to attack us anyway? If you are talking natural resources - we have none. Although we do a nice line in cold, draughty houses, snobs and stupid, pointless soap operas.

And then I started thinking about dictatorships and the fact that Saddam Hussain was not democratically elected and then I began to get a spooky feeling that maybe Bush and Saddam were 'separated at birth'. Call me a tree hugging hippy shit, but was George Bush elected fairly?

Bex spent �5 in the school library yesterday printing posters up. They made hundreds apparently - 'Drop Bush, not bombs'. As fast as they get them up, the teachers pull them down. She says they still have loads in reserve.

Gosh, that was a long digression, I forgot what I came here for.

Oh God I just remembered more of my dreams. I dreamt I became a grandmother, Bex had a baby boy. Although I'm pretty sure she's not having sex and I'm pretty sure she'd tell me if she was. Haha, the only reason she wouldn't would be in case I got jealous. Anyway, I was in the staff room telling people and there were two male teachers and one had loads of CD's and I looked through them. He had lots of stuff like Jets to Brazil and The Faint but he had a Cure CD, so I borrowed it.

I really cannot remember what the point of any of this was.

I think I'll have that on my gravestone.