some lives go on too long
2003-03-17 || 6:59 a.m.

And I know I can't kill myself. I know that really. I can't leave my daughter. But I just want to slash right through my arms and lay bleeding so that it is a metaphor for my hopelessness. So that someone fucking realises how I feel. So that I don't have to be responsible anymore. I just want to stop struggling with all these fucking demons that haunt me. With these dreams that tell me stuff and I don't know why I know it because there's no point. I think I'm gonna surrender myself to the pointlessness and stop thinking. Stop thinking about any of this at all. Stop trying to work stuff out because its all just a great big fucking muddle that goes nowhere. Its like me and everything about me is in a big pot and every now and again someone gives it a stir so I think I'm part of the world but I'm not really. How many more days have i got ahead of me? Its just too oppressive for words. I just can't cope and I want to slice myself open so someone sees that I can't cope and says something fucking nice. I want to be looked after and loved so that I can feel human and real and worthwhile. Not this stinking stupid mess that I am.