rapunzel
2003-03-01 || 12:29 p.m.

And so I had a bath and I tried to drown myself but I wouldn't go away.

And no-one new emerged.

And so I took my 69p Wilkinson shower gel, because that's what I am - a 69p cheapo shower gel kind of girl - and I washed this stupid body of mine that no-one else will ever want to touch.

And then I thought about the other Sunday and how I was practising cutting myself in the bath and how hard it actually was because my skin seemed sort of rubbery and hard to get through. And so I decided that I won't cut my wrists in the bath, not yet anyway. But the bath would be the sensible place because the mess would be contained. And easy to wash away, just like me.

And then I thought about the things I want to be. I want to be kind and compassionate. That's all. And I want to feel the wind teasing me and the sun warming me and the rain washing me away.

And I'm so selfish that being of service to others just isn't good enough.

But it has to be. It just fucking has to be.

And so I'll keep my insides on my inside and I'll keep my outsides on my outside and the only day when the true me will emerge will be that final day when my actions will say 'hey, this was me, this was the real me and it is just not your fault, its mine and this stupid, stupid wall around me'.