sink deep into the endlessness of black
2003-02-25 || 10:01 a.m.

You tell me I can't be damned. Not if I care for one other solitary human being. You tell me that damnation is only possible if I cease to care; if I stop loving. And so I am forced into a wretched, miserable existence where I know what it is to love but I don't know what it is to be loved.

If I stop caring, I become soul-less and so I am damned. But how can I be damned if I don't care? i won't care that I am damned and it will mean nothing. Surely I am damned if I do care. I am damned if I yearn for things I can never, ever have.

And if I care about others but don't care about myself, does that not mean that I am in some way damned?

I'm sure that somewhere in the Bible it commands us to love ourselves - is that what it means? Does it mean that if we don't care for ourselves, we damn ourselves?

Good. Then I'm damned.

But the irony is that I don't want to be damned, I want to be saved. And now I begin to understand. Jesus is a metaphor. He died so that he could be reborn. I have to die a spiritual death to be reborn. Or possibly I have to lose certain negative spiritual aspects in order to be reborn. And only I can do that for myself. The irony is that I look for someone else to do that for me.

And so I am stuck. Because I don't care about myself at all. Therefore I will not die to save myself. I will not cast off this black negativity because I like it.

This must be the hardest thing of all. I don't have to stop having wild, wanton sex. I don't have to stop shooting up heroin. I don't have to stop stealing, cheating, lying, torturing or hating others. I have to stop hating myself.

And there's no way I could ever do that. What a fucking nightmare.