on nothing
2003-02-25 || 11:11 a.m.

And now I know there's nothing what do I do?

It's a revelation of the worst kind so all I can do is to respond in the best way.

And now I'm confused because if there is nothing then it really doesn't matter at all how I respond yet something still encourages me to respond in what I consider to be the 'right' way. Is this conditioning or is it something separate? I don't know. And if it is social conditioning then where does that come from and why?

Maybe I'm just hedging my bets. I want to be bad within a goodness if that makes any sense. I want to do surface shocking things but inside I want to be what I can live with being. And then I get angry because I'm truly not choosing to do the right thing. I'm being forced and I want to choose. And so maybe there is no choice at all.

And I don't ever want to conform or be labelled or be able to be pinned down in any way. And yet that will happen regardless.

And within this nothingness, why does the blink of an eye last for so long?