alchemy
2003-01-31 || 7:39 p.m.

I had a lovely sized class today because eight children were off due to the snow.

I have a tummy ache for no discernible reason.

I'm tired of not dreaming.

I'm tired all round. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of wanting to have sex. I'm tired of knowing everything is over. I feel crushed when I think of how much life I could have left stretching out in front of me filled with absolutely nothing at all.

But mostly I'm tired of feeling stupid. I'm tired of not being taken seriously. I'm unhappy that the people around me don't guess at my depths of unhappiness.

When I'm me and I feel like me and I'm dressed like me and listening to music and dancing, I feel happy for a small time. Then, just for a while, I like myself. I feel glad that I like the music I like. I feel glad that I wear the clothes I do. I feel happy that I'm a vegetarian. I feel, just sort of right about the things I believe. I feel confident that I am a good mum, confident that I am politically astute, happy that I try always to be humane and non-judgemental.

But these moments are so, so brief.

Because suddenly my mind will deliver me with a bang back to reality.

And I will remember.

I am me.

And I will always be alone, on everything, but mostly I will be alone, unloved, unheld, uncaressed.

And whilst we all die alone. I will always live alone too. And then I separate my infinite bit from my 'now' bit and I wonder why. Because what I see is surely not that bad.

And so everyday I discard a bit more of the bits of me that care about me or want things for me, until eventually I will have no attachment to me at all.

That's my ultimate goal. Then there will be neither happiness nor unhappiness. And I will be truly tranquil and feel no more.