Monday Monday
2003-01-27 || 5:30 p.m.

This 'chronicle of a breakdown' thing is quite cool, isn't it?

So this was my day today.

I wore very inappropriate clothes. I know I'm not losing my mind but I just want to be me, not someone else. When I walked into assembly I could hear the year 5 girls going, under their breath, 'cool'.

Helen asked me if I bought my skirt at Camden and then said something along the lines that she wanted one but felt it was too short. I just said that I bought the next size up and wear it on my hips.

I fancy Simon terribly but I'm totally convinced that he actually doesn't like me. He won't sit anywhere near me, ever. Sensible guy.

And I'm too shy to talk to him, so what a dumb situation.

Never mind.

I'm meeting with my new boy tomorrow lunchtime to discuss all the things he is finding hard. He is such trouble, it's getting him and me down. So I thought that we need to talk together, find out what he finds hard and work on them one at a time.

Stupid middle class fucking leftie that I am.

And then, Oh God, I nearly forgot the show I made of myself at lunchtime. Somehow we were talking about swear words - oh yes, how we swear but don't swear in the classroom and I said that I know I can easily not swear because I never swear in the classroom but because I like swear words so much, I choose to swear.

Someone asked me what I meant. I said that swear words were my ultimate favourite words. They said which one. I said, 'well, fuck obviously, that's number one'. Then Kylie said 'oh yes, but you don't say the 'c' word do you? I never say that, that's awful'. I replied, 'oh you mean cunt'.

Horrified silence.

I'm digging a hole that is getting bigger and bigger.

'Yes,' I carry on, not oblivious at all but totally aware of the silence around me,'that's probably my second most favourite word'.

Aargghh.

What fucking possesses me?

And then to top it all off, I forgot my mushrooms tonight to make bean and dumpling casserole.

And I'm staring at my arms.