you're bored of drying my eyes
2003-01-19 || 5:18 p.m.

Okay, so here are the rest of my thoughts for today.

I decided to walk the dog by the summer route. Stupid in January really but it's such a long time since I've been that way and I'm just feeling so sad for the happiness I had for those six weeks. I know it will never come back and I can't even recapture the tiniest part of it, but even so, I just wanted to be close to it in some small way.

It was light when I left the house and became darker the more I walked. The sky was dark blue and the clouds were purple. There were no stars out, I think it was too early. The sky just seemed to get bigger and bigger, the wind blew cold and my ears began to hurt. Suddenly I found I was crying and when I thought about why I was, it struck me that it was because somewhere, someone on this planet wishes they had never met me.

For me the beauty and kindness of those six weeks far outrides the pain afterwards. I would never wish I hadn't met him because for a very short time I heard things that others hear. And I felt real. For six weeks I was desired by someone and that was an amazing thing to feel. But he just wishes he had never met me.

Can you imagine how awful it is to be wished to have never been met? Because for that to be possible I would have to not have existed and this just confirms my utter worthlessness.

And I need to rise out of this and for it all to be gone and no more.