and I want to scream out that it all is nonsense
2003-01-14 || 7:06 p.m.

And just as a postscript to what I wrote earlier, I just want to say that I know I am terribly selfish. It should be enough to think of others. To be good to the kids. To do a job that matters. To always try to stop nastiness: to take it so far that I deflect it onto myself always.

But it just is not enough.

I feel so terrible. I know that someone as awful as me has no right to anything in their life. But I am so dreadfully sad and I just want to be loved in the way that everyone craves to be loved.

And I have to stop this. I have to stop this thinking of myself. I have to stop this joining in conversations at work - like anyone cares. I have to stop trying to go out and inflicting myself on the human race. I have to stop talking to people altogether. And I have to remember all those people who show me through their actions and words just exactly what I am.

I am nothing.