Oh fuck, where did this lot come from?
2003-01-11 || 9:33 a.m.

Last night I slept as if I were dead. I have some idea I may have had some sort of dreams but they are just buried too deeeply for me to remember.

Before I went out last night I looked in the mirror and I just looked so fucking sweet. I just can't explain the way I perceive myself. I have this definite feeling that there are different aspects to my mind.

What I need and want to do today is to tidy up, clean, do the washing, go shopping, bake a cake, make a lovely dinner and sit later on tonight with the fairy lights and candles on, playing some music. That sounds to me like a really nice day.

What I probably will do is to be crushed by the way I feel.

I'm happy to be on my own now. Some sort of intuition told me that last night. I feel very stupid indeed. I am definitely sure that out of all the billions of people in this world there is not one person for me. I am very sure of that. If everyone could break their personalities and desires down into some sort of description or list there would not be one anywhere that matches mine. And yet I tell the kids the complete opposite at school.

I spend a lot of my time on pastoral care. Because of the way I feel about myself I think it is very important to ensure the children never feel like that. I know its probably innate but its best to try to guard against it. I spend a lot of time working on their sense of empathy. A lot of time telling them how we all have the same worries and feelings and they should never feel isolated or alone. Its mad to think I should be saying that. But I truly believe it for everyone else in the world.

I do feel like I am on the path to understanding my true worthlessness and it seems like its not uphill anymore, I'm struggling less.

And so I do know exactly what I need to do.

I find it incredibly hilarious that I bother writing any of this down. It just shows my terribly huge ego. Who's interested whether I am struggling with myself?

What I find the funniest about being a human is that it all just seems to matter so much. We place ourselves at the centre and everything else revolves around us. Fuck, don't worry, you're not going to get some cheap sun analogy now. Of course none of it matters. We are not mini-suns, centres of universes at all. We are more like one grain of sand.

Who would notice if it wasn't there?

And so maybe that is what true enlightenment is: The understanding that we are not universes but uniform grains of sand. We are not individual but one part of a much larger whole where our presence both matters and matters not because it is irrelevant.