Ghosts
2003-01-01 || 5:23 p.m.

I woke up at 1pm today. It wasn't as if I went to bed particularly late last night. Well, about 2am or something. So I had a good 13 hours sleep. I had strange dreams all night and I must have kept waking up because I could remember snatches of all these different impressions but nothing solid, nothing whole.

I felt exhausted and deflated and my first instinct was to go back to bed and sleep my life away. Then I thought better of it. I tried to think about what I had written yesterday and so I did housework, made Bex a hot chocolate, did some washing and then I went outside and did the garden. I cleaned the rabbits out, I swept the path, I raked the grass and then I brought Mango indoors to sit with Rebecca for a while.

I get this sense of satisfaction when the garden is tidy, the rabbits are clean and fed etc, its the same on a sunny day when I peg washing out. I like to see it all hanging there, drying, it feels somehow right.

I thought about how I don't believe in anything at all. How I used to but now I don't because its all pointless but how I still pray sometimes but only for other people, never for myself. You can't pray for yourself when you are damned, it would be a bit stupid.

And then I walked the dog.

And so the house is tidy, the animals are cared for, Rebecca is fed and on the telephone to Eleanor.

And I have never felt so empty as I do now.