i settle down to cut myself apart
2003-01-01 || 1:54 p.m.

I was thinking about yesterday and how it has gone and then I thought about all my days and how they are stacked up one behind the other like cards in a filing system. And then I thought that all the days in 2003 will soon be added and there will be nothing to distinguish them from the rest of this life and so what is the point?

I got up today to find that Rebecca and Eleanor had put toothpaste on the dog's nose and were calling him 'Sparky'. I said it was cruel, that toothpaste is caustic - that's how it works - and they looked at me like I was mad. But a dog's nose is sensitive.

Yesterday I started reading a book and I thought it was going to be good but suddenly they were off to speak to guardian angels. Well, I don't want to knock guardian angels or anything but I couldn't quite see the point of advanced super-beings having an interest in the trivia of my life.

So i thought that I would relegate guardian angels to the list of things that other people have but I don't.

Then having nothing better to do I started to think about how things get organised and I wondered if the physical world is organised to reflect the non-physical or if I just talk and think a load of bollocks.

And now I have that horrible 'time is running away from me' thing. I only have five days and I will be back at work. I feel burdened by it already.

I wish I could describe how I feel. I feel split. I feel like there's a me who wants to do stuff and then a bitch-me that stops her. But the bitch-me only stops her because the bitch-me wants to protect her from the knowledge that everything is futile, there is no hope, no love, no fucking nothing.

And I had such strange stupid dreams, like random bits of a kaleidoscope. Dreams of mobile homes, roads, children, strangers and trains.