Oh baby, I'm dreaming of Monday, Part II
2002-12-30 || 1:12 p.m.

I don't feel right. I feel really bad. I feel like everything is going to end. I feel like someone hammered at my brain so much they squashed it flat rendering it meaningless and lacking all feeling. I have that horrible feeling of impending doom and I hate that. I know its all created by me, by my madness, my stupid mind. But it feels so real.

I don't want this struggle anymore. By that I don't mean that I want to end it all. I like to hurt myself because it feels good for some stupid reason. The pain feels real and not much else does really. What I mean is that I want something good to replace the bad. But because I know that will never happen I replace it with a desire for ending.

But I don't really want to end. I both want to change and yet not change. I sort of like being me but maybe that's because I don't know any better.

i hate these stream of consciousness entries - they're crap.