I'm frozen in one place, staring at the screen
2002-12-15 || 10:46 a.m.

Yesterday I decided to clean the front room ready to put up some Christmas decorations. I hadn't really planned the day to be like that but it just sort of ended up going that way. Mainly because Alain couldn't take Rebecca out because his Dad has gone into a hospice (much against his will) and Alain said he and his mum were taking a will to him yesterday. Anyway, Rebecca ended up staying at home rather than going out and she spent all day on the computer trying to use the CD burner that Alain bought her for her birthday.

So I started cleaning.

I found the stand for the microphone way over the room behind the TV. I found my Russian dolls behind the TV too.

But there were two spectacular finds of the day and they were as follows:

1) I pulled back the curtains on the back window and found a dead mouse on the window cill which explains the odd smell by the computer a couple of weeks back.

2) Although I have no Christmas tree at present I decided to bring the decorations down and get them out ready, check that the lights work etc. I was going through the bags in my wardrobe and found one full of tinsel, one with the lights, the boxes with the baubles and wooden things and a bag with unused Christmas cards. Inside that bag was REBECCA'S LOST BIRTHDAY MONEY FROM LAST YEAR!

I always find money that doesn't belong to me. On Thursday I found ten pounds on the floor in Wilkinsons which I handed into the customer services desk. And then yesterday I find Rebecca's �140.

What else has happened?

I rang Alain yesterday after I heard about his Dad and the hospice. I thought it meant he was very near dying. Alain said it was because his Mum was totally knackered because his Dad needs 24 hour nursing and his Dad is really angry about it. Its understandable from both points of view. His Dad obviously wants to be at home but his mum is not young - she's over 70 - and its just too much. Alain spends a lot of time in Greenwich on the boat living his new found batchelor Bohemian lifestyle. Well, he told me on the phone that his Dad doesn't want loads of people coming to visit him because its just a reminder (for him) that he is dying and he's not ready to face that fact. So I asked if Alain would do one thing, that being take Rebecca to see him (if she wants to go) when his Dad is unaware.

I don't know, maybe I'm wrong about this and I'm applying my own experiences to the situation which are obviouly not applicable for someone else but I know when my Grandad died my Step Nan insisted I go into see him as it would be the last time I would ever see him and she was absolutely right, for me.

Alain also said something about me looking really nice on Friday when he was round for Bex's birthday. I had got really upset on Friday when he said that and I ended up hysterical and Alain,in true Alain style, thought 'fuck this' and put his coat on and left, despite the fact it was Rebecca's birthday. I left the room and everything when I knew I was going to start howling. On Saturday on the phone he repeated this and made some cheesy comment about how I need to find someone to share my lovely body with. I ended up getting really hysterical again and saying to Rebecca 'he's taking the piss out of me, he's taking the piss out of me' blah, blah, blah.

I just hate it when people make stupid comments like that because they have no idea how bleak I feel inside. No-one would ever want me. Not ever.

Saturday evening me, Bex and Elly went to the Thai Noodle Bar which was fun. When I was home again I lit candles and lay watching the flames behind the stained glass holders.