and there is nothing more I want than just one night that's free of doubt and sadness
2002-12-03 || 10:13 p.m.

I wanted to write a proper entry tonight but because I never caught my migraine in time and I still feel sick, I just don't feel up to it. So all I can do is to write brief notes about what I would have written about were I up to it.

I wanted to write something about the kids in my class. About how one boy in particular has a pretty tough home life and he is very disruptive and its been suggested to me that he goes on the special needs register but instead I have decided to try to make every day at school a nice experience for him so that he doesn't feel bad when he is at school, and fuck me with a big fuck stick - it seems to be working! He is a lot quieter. Today I let him decorate the tree along with another pupil. He seemed to really enjoy doing it, and during play rehearsal this afternoon I caught his eye and smiled at him and he smiled back. That may not seem much especially when you think about the kids that run down the corridor and fling their arms around me but it is a big thing for him.

And then after school I had to meet with a father of a girl in my class who is on my special needs register. He is of the opinion that what she needs is a good 'clip around the ear'. Well of course actually that's the last thing she needs. She has been brilliantly behaved too lately. He told me she really admires me (!). She's a determined character, very stubborn. I'm pleased she's stubborn, she needs to be. What really fucks me off here is having to justify her to her own father. And of course nothing is ever as simple as it seems because her parents do love her and they think they are doing the right thing and WHO THE FUCK AM I to tell them they're not or to impose my stupid middle class leftish views onto them. And when I think about the interview after school I cringe because the father kept sort of bowing to me and I felt silly and its no wonder some parents won't come anywhere near a school because they just feel so intimidated. And I can't even put into words that I understand totally how and why they feel like this - but I do. But just to give some idea, Maria sent a letter home yesterday that said it was not on for parents to 'berate or admonish other parents's children'. That sort of language just can be so divisive.

And all I want is for everyone to realise that people are so many different things and there's no such thing as a bad person or a good person. And I wish I could put the way I feel meaningfully into words and I also wish I wasn't such a big wuss.

And I wish I could put Helen into my diary because she is so funny. She wrote me the funniest birthday card and during assembly she makes me laugh so much because she just takes the piss constantly, singing stuff like 'prince of peas' and its so juvenile and I caught the eye of the above mentioned girl in assembly today when me and Helen were giggling about something and she just raised her eyebrows at me and I knew she was thinking, 'how come its ok for you two to talk and muck around and its not ok for me?'

And its nice to do a job where you tell people you feel ill and within five minutes you have two home made 'get well soon' cards on your desk!

I can't think what else I wanted to write about, but this migraine is making me want to cry. And I don't want to think about other things that make me cry and I don't want to think about things that were said that I knew were not true.

And I know it sounds stupid and raving but I don't want to work in my sleep tonight, I want to rest.