The Journey - Part IX
2002-11-23 || 1:30 p.m.

Right I'm ready to recommence.

There's a few places I need to visit.

First, why can't people understand that if you live in a mess it's probably because you feel in a mess? Or am I just self-indulgent and stupid?

Well, its ok because I'm well able to separate the two. So today I will tidy externally but it will have no impact on the inside. None whatsoever. But you don't get to my age and not be able to split yourself into many, many different parts.

Soon I will know everything.

Despite everything I really do not want to have to not trust people. Because I like people. Really I do.

They just don't like me.

I need to evaporate this mind into nothingness. I've often wondered about energy. I always argued that we could not cease to be because the laws of physics dictate that energy cannot be destroyed only changed but I don't know whether consciousness is energy or one form of energy.

I'm trying to think about the things I know about myself or rather the things I think I know about myself. I know that one of the things that pulls me apart is my desires and my actualities.

This is weird because what I want is no different to what anyone else wants really but what I know will actually happen is vastly different. And this tears me apart.

And now I'm wondering about all those books I will never read and I guess it doesn't matter anyway because I will never know.

Now its time to take the painkiller before inflicting the pain.