The view from my window, whilst waiting to continue on
2002-11-23 || 12:50 a.m.

I'm becoming very travel sick. I don't feel like I've got anywhere at all. In fact I feel like I've travelled backwards. I feel like I'm in a dream state where you try to move but just can't. Everything is in slow motion like the fucking six million dollar man. Yes, I remember being small at school and playing the bionic man in the playground. The way you indicated to others that you had 'gone bionic' was to slow right down and move in an totally exagerrated fashion.

I would say I wish I was there now, but I fucking don't. Not at all.

I realise what some of my problems are now. They come from me. I create them. These are the citizens that arise from the State of Apathy. That good old republic of which I am a founding member.

How do you deal with a good old tongue lashing? Bury your head in the sand.

How do you deal with a bar of soap shoved down the back of your throat? Bury your head in the sand.

How do you deal with being left alone in the house, hotel, holiday chalet because of some imagined slight, some stupidity of childhood? Bury your head in the sand.

And then blame yourself. After all, it must be your fault.

How do you deal with a man who wants to fuck you when you are nine years old? Read another book.

Take care of all the children in the world.

Jesus wasn't wrong when he picked out children as an important focus. You know, I don't think he was saying 'hey kids, come down the front where you can see better, I'm just about to perform my magic raising from the dead party trick'. No. What he was saying was take care not to destroy that beauty because you will sure end up with some fucked up adults otherwise.

And then fucked up adults raise other fucked up adults. And I thought I was being so clever to not be like my mum with Rebecca. But I've given her other problems.

And I've never claimed to be sane or the perfect parent. I'm just a stupid, damaged person inflicting myself on others.

Well soon, no more, soon no more.

And remember 'as you judge others, so you will yourselves be judged'.

Think kind thoughts about those that hurt. It's not the best place to live.