I'll be standing alone in a blank, blank space
2002-11-07 || 8:58 p.m.

It is true. I am 100% inspiration free at present.

Life makes me feel crushed.

The bits of my day that I like best are my morning walk to school and my evening longer walk of the dog. I like these times because I can do nothing other than walk. It is not a time to be doing 101 jobs. All I can do is to walk and listen to music. To look around. To look at people as they pass by. To look into people's houses. To look up at the sky. To think. To think about anything at all. Usually I pass the time imagining stuff. I don't use those few precious moments to think about things I will have to think about in a while anyway. I don't plan out my work, or think about a shopping list. I imagine a different life. I imagine the things I would like to talk about and the people I would like to talk about them with. I wonder about things. I have an inner dialogue with myself. I never solve anything, I never reach any conclusions. Its a bit like a kaleidescope, lots of patterns, lots of different ways of looking at things with different starting points and finishing points that can be returned to.

And then this evening I started to think about the reality of my life. I was thinking about Alain and how he will not talk to me. How he will not be reasonable and I wondered why. And for one moment I thought about myself as a real human being. I thought about my fundamental beliefs and my real reason for being. I thought about how the only thing I think is important is love. How I always want to try to do the right thing, as I see it. I thought about how I try to see past the material here and now. And I wondered whether I was worthwhile and why he could not see that or whether I was just plain dumb and he could see that.

And then once again I wondered about whether there is a reality to imaginings. And I hope there is because then, at least somewhere, I'm actually happy and having fun.