and I fell for the promise of a life with a purpose, but I know that is impossible now
2002-10-27 || 5:28 p.m.

I tried to see it another way.

As I was walking the dog I got tearful again. I looked up at the sky. It was dusk. There were grey clouds low down but higher up the sky was clear. It was cold and windy. As always I was aware of the vastness of the universe and my insignificance. So I tried to see it another way. I thought about how I honestly consider everyone, and I mean everyone, to be so, so special. I feel silly when I think like this, or even try to explain things like this but basically I view life as something sacred. Everyone and everything should be treated beautifully and with respect and so it follows that everyone/thing has a special place in the universe and is important, real and meaningful.

But I just cannot apply that to me.

What did come into my mind though, was how when we look up, we all see the sky but when we look around we see different things. Its like an analogy for reality, for true meaning, with the sky being the fundamental and the surroundings being the surface decoration.

Then I thought about what we are. Our energy, consciousness if you like, and I thought about reincarnation and how I don't believe we have a personality that reincarnates. So I thought maybe we have a fundamental (like the sky) and our personality is the surface decoration of our surroundings in this life.

And it is the fundamental that reincarnates and therefore you can know some aspects of your fundamental although they are harder to understand and become aware of than the surface day to day personality.

And then I thought about what it is that makes me so sure I am not special. There are so many clues: How can you be special if your own mother does not love you? How can you be special if the one partner you've had never says anything nice, positive or beautiful to you. How can you be special when you think you have met someone who does care but then you realise it was all a plan, that they never meant what they said, that they, like everyone else, saw you as a piece of trash and was just using you to pass the time.

And so because I perceive myself as not special, it therefore follows that I am not.

There is no other logical conclusion.

And all I ever want to do is let people know that I do care. Despite all of this. I never want to hurt anyone. But I know that I do. But I get the message that it is the special people that help the special people. Not people like me.