A Sunday ramble, Part III. i'm the sad girl who doesn't give a fuck.
2002-10-13 || 6:21 p.m.

So was that it then? Was that my lot do you reckon?

Oh, sorry, if you want jolly, go back to my other two entries today. They are jolly, well as jolly as I get anyway.

Blackness has descended again. If I wasn't the dedicated servant of apathy I'd go back and check whether it happens the same time every Sunday.

There are some people, aren't there, who are truly destined to spend their lives alone. Its fine and ok until you find out that it is you that is one of those people.

Think of the universe, of the planets, of all that we don't know, tiny bits of which we grasp at. What the fuck does it matter what I write, think or do not have?

If the moon will always be there and I'm just as real, will I always be here?

The moon was there 2000 years ago, does that mean I was too?

Will there be a time when I look at those blue lines and know the time has come; that it is now.

I am trying so hard to do those things that I promised and I have absolutely no right whatsoever to expect or even wish for a second for anything in return. Ha! at least I won't be disappointed.

Who have I made a promise to? Well no-one really. The universe, the force behind it, life, whatever. I prefer to think of a Goddess than a God. Actually, I find it harder to say I don't believe in a Goddess than I do to say I do not believe in God. I find it easy to deny something so masculine but slightly harder to deny something female. Probably because God is not mine. God belongs to men in charge.

Oh God, what if the hierarchy on earth really is a reflection of the hierarchy in heaven. We are supposed to be made in the image of God, after all. I always interpret that as meaning internal things, qualities, containing an essence of God, an essence of infinity. But what if I am wrong? Maybe it's more simple, perhaps all those Bible belt bashers have it right. Men in charge, women having babies. It can't be like that, can it? That must just be cultural impositions, surely.

And anyway, if it was like that, it would not be heaven would it. Just another kind of hell.

Sometimes I think all this is an illusion and that we are already in hell and the only way we can cope with it is to think we will die and then get a chance of something else. Maybe we already did die and this is where we went.