The defeated girl sees her life is a farce
2002-10-09 || 7:40 p.m.

It is very cold and windy today. There was a strange atmosphere outside when I walked the dog. He got quite spooked. The wind makes everything sound and feel different. It must seem really strange to a sensitive dog. I am freezing but my cold comes from within rather than without.

I think I'm being a total bitch today because my period is due. I feel odd. My tummy hurts and I feel like howling. Helen recommended I take Evening Primrose Oil but I don't know that you can get it in vegetarian capsules and anyway I LIKE having painful periods. Weird I know. Maybe I should join one of those 'I love periods diaryrings'.

Yeah, maybe not.

Loads of things have made me want to cry today. This morning Phillip just came behind my desk and hugged me. I had already written a certificate out for him for the awards assembly today and when I said his name, he looked so pleased that again (!) I wanted to cry. Fucking hell.

Then after school about 10 of my old class came in hugging me, telling me they missed me, I was nice to them and they wished I was still their teacher. Hey! no prizes for guessing what I wanted to do.

Mind you, this is funny. This week's RE topic is Judaism and my class and year 3 were watching a video about the Torah. There was a rabbi who started reading part of the scripture in Hebrew - it was the story of when Rebecca was at the well. To fully appreciate what happened next you have to understand that the year 3 teacher is fucking holy and RE co-ordinator for the school. Joe, in my class, puts his hand up. I say 'Yes Joe?' He says 'Miss Vincent, Rebecca and Isaac went on to have twins didn't they? And they called them Jacob and Esau'. I was fucking proud. Haha proves I DO teach my RE.

Then Nicholas puts up his hand. 'Yes, Nicholas?' I ask. 'Miss', he says' 'was that the Tudor video you were telling us about?'!!

Damn. Something is going wrong somewhere.

There's one thing I wish I could do to finish the day off.

I wish I could rip out my soul and tear it into so many pieces that I could never be put back together again.