the choices were given and now I must live them
2002-09-22 || 1:41 p.m.

Warning: This is the same boring shit.

Ok, you've been warned but I need to talk some more about how bad I feel. It's that guest book entry from last week. I know I laughed at it at the time, and at the time it did amuse me somewhat but the words keep coming back to haunt me. A typed reminder of what I really am. The observer was right on many counts.

No I wasn't a victim. I deserved to be treated like that. I was just going to type that we draw to ourselves what we deserve but that seems slightly harsh because then I am saying that others who are suffering deserve to and I would not say that at all. Not ever. So I would like to counter that statement with I draw to myself what I deserve and I will only talk in terms of me in that way.

Next, I am not even good enough to be a toy for someone to amuse themselves with.

Next. It is totally laughable that I should think I deserved some happiness and totally awful that I should have thought Ben would be anyone to give me any at all. Awful, because he has a life and he has friends and a relationship and I do not and should not.

The words in the entry that have been giving me the most trouble are these: ruthless, careless, heartless, cruel, and just mean. They are giving me trouble because its hard admitting this is a good description of yourself but yes, I reckon it pretty much sums me up.

I have apologised to the one person I needed to apologise to and I truly meant it. As to the observer, if you ever come back this way, you can rest assured I will feel bad about all of this for a very long time to come.

I have been so wrong about so many things. I do need to learn so much. I need to learn that I don't matter. I say it and write it enough but I don't really believe it and that is what I need to concentrate on. Believing it. Because it sure is true. I need to remember that Rebecca matters and the kids at school matter and that is all my life can and ever will be. And what I need to deal with is WHY this is not enough for me. I've just got to keep remembering these lessons.

I know, to anyone reading this but especially to the observer, that I am a piece of utter scum. Ok. I know that. I feel it every single day of my life and I always have. From where I am sitting at the moment I can see outside. Next door's washing line is blowing in the wind. Sunlight is streaming in through the front window. I can see my rabbit hutches and a bit of my lawn. Real, beautiful, natural things. I know there is no place for me here. Jesus, I know that.

I also know that there are some truly beautiful, kind people out there. People who are good enough to say nice things to me, to try to help me, to defend me even. They balance someone like me out.

I just wish really that I could be satisfied, that I didn't want something more than I deserve. I don't even believe that I suffer from depression. I just think that when I seem depressed it is actually that I am seeing myself realistically.

I am so sorry for all the things I do and have done wrong. I feel tremendous guilt. Total remorse. But before you start to think that this is a sign that I am not as bad as I think I am I have to say that I probably would do the same again. And that is the scary thing.