Gone the dream
2002-09-19 || 11:26 p.m.

This is my third dumb entry tonight. I'm really fretting about some things but they are such stupid things and so unrelated to the things I should be fretting about but am not. I would say I am an enigma but that makes me sound far more interesting than I actually am, what I am is unrealistic and only tenuously connected to real life. People keep asking me how I am and on that level I can honestly reply that I am fine. The things I am depressed about I would be depressed about anyway. Things that depress, concern and worry me are things that exist wholly in my mind and nowhere else. Does that make them real or unreal? If you have a feeling about something and have had the same feeling about it the whole time does that make the feeling accurate or does it just seem that way in your mind?

I've just done my second massive spider rescue in two days.

What does any of it matter?

The spider waved its front two legs at me. Honestly. It was a bit freaky.

I had this vision of being alone. Of being in a house alone, with washing drying and the TV on and of lying wide awake in a double bed alone, waiting to fall asleep.

I felt neither male nor female, I just felt alone.

I put the spider into a plastic pot and put a piece of newspaper over the top and transported it to the back garden.

Do spiders land on their feet like cats are supposed to?

I had a massive spider in my classroom yesterday. Again I put it in a pot, covered it with paper but my room is on the first floor so it fell about 15 feet from the window.

Would it have survived?

Sometimes I have visions of the whole world with humanity gone for ever. I try to tell my kids that we must look after the planet. I feel like I am shouting in a thunderstorm.

When I think about past life memories and I think about them as some sort of archetypal blueprint type thing, I wonder why they seem personal, is that just something we do as humans? If we think there is more than this, does that mean there is?