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2002-09-07 || 9:14 a.m.

So where do I begin about why my diary is locked?

I lay in bed last night unable to sleep and thought about what I could write here.

So lets just start with the facts.

I have spent the last six weeks being a fool. At the time I really fucking enjoyed it and its really weird because although I did anticipate the ending and I even wrote an entry about it, yet at the same time I didn't anticipate the ending. Not really. Not truly. I don't want to bang on about what happened here but its all part of the story so it needs to be told. In truth, its such a long story that its hard to know where to begin. Really I could probably begin with my earliest understanding of myself as a human. Anyway, that would make for far too long an entry so I'll try and stick to the recent past and only digress when necessary.

So why did I behave so badly lately? The answer to that is quite simple. I just want someone to love me. This is really hard to write down because it involves me exposing how utterly selfish I truly am. How can I explain the love that I mean? I mean more than being loved by a friend or by my daughter and that is the hard thing to write down.

I love my daughter more than anything in the world but having her as the only person who loves me just isn't enough. It just isn't.

Anyway,the truth of the matter is, that its going to have to be enough. Its just hard to see that everyone else has someone.

There's this couple I know called Helen and Jason. They are just perfect. You couldn't imagine two people more made for each other. I'm going to be totally, totally honest here today. I am jealous. Not of them but of what they have. I want it too. But I know I never will. Why is that?

So what I have to do is to get rid of this selfishness. I know that people who read my diary also read Rebecca's diary. I don't, so I don't know what she writes but you know, she does talk to me. I do know how she feels about me. I know that she looks at me with pain in her eyes because of the way that I feel. I know that I hurt her. And that is unforgiveable. She will take hold of me and hug me so tight and say to me that she loves me more than anything in the world and if I died she couldn't carry on living either.

I never wanted to be like my mum but I've turned into something far, far worse. I may not put Rebecca down, but I put her down by putting myself down. I know that. No-one needs to tell me.

I write one thing but I do another - that is my trouble. I haven't been as open and honest in this diary as you may think. I say that I know I will be alone all my life but I didn't want to really believe that.

Anyway, that was a long, long digression. Onto the reason my diary is locked.

Rebecca has been so scared at my words and thoughts the last few days that she told Alain about my diary. He read the whole thing. Not only that, he emailed it to all his family! haha. Confirmation of my lunatic status indeed.

I'm not really bothered about people knowing what I think. I spoke to the person of the last six weeks about anything and everything and I both regret and don't regret that. I don't regret it because that is me. I have done and always will talk to people about anything. I won't force stuff on them. I know I'm too much for most people but if they show interest, if they seem to share some of my thoughts or traits, then I'm happy to be honest about anything in the whole world. I do regret it because I feel that I have cheapened myself. Shared things about me with someone who didn't care. Shared things with testosterone rather than a person. I hope that isn't the case, but I fear it is.

Anyway, the reason why I cannot continue to share my thoughts with all and sundry are two fold.

Firstly, Rebecca SHOULD NOT be reading my diary. I have been totally and utterly irresponsible here. I thought I was a great, cool, open parent but I was just being an arse. Dress it up how you like. She should not be party to my darkest thoughts. Never. I can't do anything about what has happened but I can minimise the danger for the future. The problem is, of course, that Rebecca is vastly more intelligent than I am, and is the hacker queen. If she works out my user name and password then I will delete every entry and go back to good old fashioned pencil and paper. I will be happy to post my diary to you but I have to warn you my writing sucks. That's the trouble when you write with both your hands, very odd and poor writing.

The second reason is my imminent committal. Alain has decided I am 'severely mentally disturbed'. Actually we had a talk yesterday about what had happened. I told him all that I'd been doing the past six weeks. He wasn't too shocked. He knows what I am like. He knows better than anyone that as far as sex goes I truly have no self-control. I don't know why. Anyway, the things that he was shocked about were firstly that I had written about him although he was reasonably good about that. He was pissed off that I had written about him being rascist. He said he just plays devil's advocate because he has no opinions on anything. He was also annoyed that I mentioned the violence. But that is all true. I suppose that is what makes him annoyed. In his defence I have to say that during our conversation he said he knows its wrong to hurt me but he just cannot deal with me. He says no-one could. I think probably he has a point. So what made him think I needed psychiatric help. Funnily enough he was being quite perceptive. He was concerned about the fact that I consider myself subhuman, soulless and of course the fact that I cut myself.

What I cannot explain to him is that firstly, I think I have a perfect right to cut myself if I want to. Its my body. No-one else is ever going to see it, what I do to it is my concern. Stupidly, when I was pregnant I covered myself daily in cocoa butter to avoid stretch marks but I end up cutting myself and scarring myself that way.

That's me in a nutshell.

As to the subhuman and soulless thing. I don't know. I don't feel human. What does that mean anyway? Alain said to me that I didn't really believe that, but the fact is - I do. I'm pretty sure that most people would think that a pretty good indicator of madness.

I just think it is an indicator of sadness.

So basically I've locked my diary because I don't want to hurt my daughter anymore than I already have. She is 13 years old. I can't ask her not to read it and expect her to do so. She will be tempted. When my mum used to go to work I used to light matches and set fire to things and take the medicines in the cabinet. I was 11/12 years old.

And just to remind you of the true reality of me, the second reason is because selfishly I don't want psychiatrists labelling me. I don't want my daughter taken away from me but at the moment I recognise that is a real possibility.

I take full responsibility for that. It is no-one's fault but my own.