you may now shut down your computer
2002-09-04 || 5:16 p.m.

How could I have ever, ever even in my wildest dreams have thought I would be good enough for someone to like?

This is a tying up of the loose ends.

I've said before that when I was a child my mother said that I was a changeling. I know that really she did not believe that. She was just trying to articulate what I now know also to be true. What she was trying to say was that I was soulless, a vacuum, lacking in normal human attributes, emotions and basically asking what I was doing here.

Alain often said and still often says to me, 'you need to learn', when I ask him why he hurts me. I have been arrogant enough in the past to sarcastically ask exactly what it is I have to learn and oh how great he is and how he will be a wonderful teacher. But how stupid, vain and foolish I have been. He was right. I did need to learn. Unfortunately the kind way of smacking me about like shit, chasing me through the house, booting me up the arse and throwing stuff at me so that I sit, trying to be professional at parents evening, with a bruised fucking face, just didn't work on someone as stubborn as me. No, I needed a much more thorough and in-depth lesson and thank God there was someone there good enough to do that for me.

At last the universe has got through. Yes I surrender. I understand finally. I will never, ever listen again to anyone who tells me I am wrong. To anyone who says that I do matter, to anyone who tries to make out they like me and I am a good, kind person or any other crap like that. I am obviously far more scientifically minded than I would have given myself credit for. I need proof. Unarguable, watertight proof. And at last I have that.

Last Thursday I had a sort of vision. I tried to describe it in my diary. A vision of how it actually would be should I take a razor and drag it down along those stupid blue lines in my arms. Again, I wasn't aware that perception was one of my strong points.

Do you know that despair is a cardinal sin? How nasty is that? What a bastard the Catholic church is. How could anyone ever believe in a God that would damn someone for despair. Although thinking about it maybe it isn't so odd after all. I mean, if you have no hope, and I mean none at all then being damned is really not a big deal! Again, silly me.

Anyway I should just like to state that there is nothing nastier than a belief in a omnipotent monotheistic male god. Nothing.

Except me that is.

You know when you get food poisoning and you begin to get dizzy and hot and cold and the room starts doing funny stuff. Then you start being sick and it can go on for hours. You just think it has passed and you need to be sick again. Sometimes you can be sick so much that your stomach is contracting and the only thing it can spew up is bile which has a rather fuck off taste all of its own. All I can taste is bile because I have spewed up my soul and now there is only bile and emptiness inside.

But please don't misunderstand me. I am not meaning bile in the sense of being bitter. I mean bile only in the sense of a bitter taste and something nasty inside you with nothing else filling the gap. I am not bitter. Not at all. How can I be? I am nothing and have no right to anything. I will spend my life smiling at others, being nice to others, doing stuff for others. I will NEVER listen to music again. Music is for the soul. I have no soul.

Sex is for the soul too. At least I think it should be. I will never have sex again either. Not ever. But I don't want you to picture me as some empty frigid spinster because I am so not. I loved sex. It was great. The greatest. Nothing comes close to that depth of communication with another human being.

Rebecca, I know you read my diary. Read this carefully, please. I feel so bad for you having me as your mother. So bad you would never imagine. I will never, ever kill myself however much I want to. I would never leave you with just your father. He does love you. He is not a bad person. He is just angry and hurting like everyone else and instead of turning it inwards like I do, he turns it outwards. Its just a matter of choice. Whatever you do with your life always remember that you are intelligent, funny, beautiful and anyone male or female would be lucky, very lucky to have your attention. If you get hit once, leave. Even if you have children. It is worse in the long run to stay. Honestly. Please believe in yourself. You are not at a grammar school for nothing you know. You are there because you are bright, funny and extremely unique. Always remember what Mr Milman said when he saw your work at primary school. He is at the top of the educational hierarchy in Kent so he knows what he is talking about. He said you were gifted and the last time he had seen work like that was 15 years before. Soo said to me once that you were not pretty, you were beautiful. You know you are funny. What happens every week when we go to the supermarket? I laugh like a lunatic at the things you say. So much so that people stare and probably silently commend you on your role in 'community care'.

I'm trying to think if there are any other loose ends left for me to deal with.

So its back to the rusty razors and chance. When I cut will there be a spore that will hurt me or not. Only time will tell.

There is nothing but the here and now. The trouble is the here and now lasts forever.

Goodbye.