I scream for the sunlight
2002-08-25 || 9:28 p.m.

I shouldn't have asked someone to say something nice about me but I'm glad I did. You know why? Well, I was just going to say because all is balanced now but then I suddenly thought, what if the nasty thing that came later is balancing the nice thing that came first. Does that mean I caused the nasty thing? Does that mean I have caused them all? Also, where are the nice things to balance out the other nasty things and how do you measure them anyway? If I was asked to list nice things that have happened in my life I would say, 'having Rebecca' but that is such a large immeasurable good thing am I wrong therefore to feel sad that one good thing happened 14 years ago because really it is continuous.

(Fuck me, I'm typing this being fucking stalked by a daddy long legs - you know those fuckers that fly. Shit. I'm supposed to be hard. What is going on, I've got a headscarf on my head because I'm paranoid it will fly in my hair.)

Damn this. I'm really losing my concentration.

You see - this is my problem: perspective. I don't have life in perspective.

Rebecca reads my diary and I don't know if that is a good or bad thing. It hurts her to read some of the things I write. Do I take this 'custodian' thing too far? I am her mother. She grew inside me. I remember it well, it was the most magical and beautiful thing that ever happened to me. I used to talk to her, I used to think things to her. I knew she would be a girl, I just knew. If she'd have been a boy I would have died of shock. I wouldn't have minded I just would have died of shock at being wrong. Because of my timeless view of existence though I don't feel I own her. We are two human beings. I like to think that somehow she chose me. I do love her. There are not words to describe that and of course I never want her to hurt but I know we all do.

Tonight there is a smell of change in the air.