if everthing that happens is supposed to be, it's all predetermined - can't change your destiny, guess I'll just keep moving and someday maybe I'll get to where I'm going
2002-08-19 || 11:11 a.m.

The time I have spent away, the orange sandstone cliffs, the sea and the sky, the fine shingle beach, the birds - it's strange - they have conjured up an odd dichotomy of understanding. Each evening I sat on the beach looking out to sea. Rebecca wondered whether there were enough pebbles on the beach to give one to everyone in the world. I thought it was hard to tell but you may be able to give them more than one. It's difficult because the numbers are so large. I could see that my existence was way less significant that just one of those pebbles but at the same time being there with just what I needed and nothing more I truly felt that my life and my being was just as worthwhile or as worthless as anything else. All around are just visual and aural clues to life. The sea is like all our existences and as the waves crash on the shore its like, 'that's you life, thank you and goodnight.' Crash - another wave, 'that's your life, thank you and goodnight'. Etc. Each wave unique but yet part of the rest. Each pebble alone yet together they make up the beach. So are we all connected? Fucked if I know. What I don't know is why I feel so out of place. I just feel like this is not my real home but it could be my mind playing tricks on me.

I feel a bit happier in my role of outsider.

On a more prosaic level I found the answer to the question of my destiny.

It is not my fate to have hot sex with a gorgeous, thoughtful, insightful man. My destiny is to mend the water pistols of six year olds.

It's best not to fight your destiny.