The next entry will be about current affairs, honestly.
2002-08-11 || 11:19 a.m.

"I think you've come up with a way to deal with feelings that you find overwhelming. Overwhelmingly bad, overwhelmingly frightening."

Some things make me feel unbearably sad, so sad that I feel almost numb with pain. I feel mute, unable to communicate because I just can't understand it.

Yesterday Alain was here. I don't want to preach about what he should or shouldn't be doing but his daughter is growing up before his eyes and if he doesn't take care he will lose her.

Rebecca is so sweet and artistic and talented. Lately she has been cutting bits of paper into things like flower shapes whilst she sits at the computer. They are so small and perfect and when I'm on the computer I will quite often hold them in my hands. Anyway, Alain starts moaning about the house and my 'stubborn refusal' to do any cleaning up. (He can't understand how empty I feel). He then starts shouting about all the bits of cut-up paper. I said they were perfect, beautiful little things and he just looked at me and said, 'you are just so moronically stupid.'

Moronically stupid? Is that a definition of seeing beauty rather than mess? I hate the fact that without realising it and in just a few words he crushes both Rebecca and myself.

No, I don't see the world the same way as other people and I understand that they don't see it my way either.

There's only one way I can cope with this pain and that is to take control of the pain and be in charge of it myself.

And so now you realise why I will always be alone.
No one would want to touch or kiss or hold someone like me.
No one would want their flesh to be against my flesh.
No one.