Let them eat cake
2002-08-04 || 3:54 p.m.

I was just sitting on the sofa and Rebecca was at the computer with her back to me. Suddenly she said, 'you ok?'. I replied, 'how did you know I was not ok?'. She said, 'because I could feel your thoughts.'

I shall start at the beginning.

I had to get up today because I'd spent so long in bed that my back was hurting. My backache is caused by years of ballet, a punishing repetitive regime and not good when you are a growing child. Anyway, I decided to have a bath. Then I went upstairs to get dressed. I was deciding what CD to play and looking at a pile of Rebecca's when I saw a band called, 'Jimmy Eat Cake'. No kidding. No longer were they 'Jimmy Eat World'. It was then that I decided it was time to begin eating again. Yesterday I walked the dog at about 5.30pm and I suddenly couldn't walk any further. Then I realised I had not eaten or drunk all day. In fact I've ate hardly anything for days. I have lost a lot of weight, probably about half a stone. So when I saw the cake band I decided to go and make something to eat.

I am such an arse that I have this vendetta against packaged, ready made food. Everything we eat (almost) has to be made by me. Fine in principle, time consuming in reality. So I decided to make pancakes. Then I got to thinking about the last time I was obsessed with cake. It was when I was pregnant and I was still an arse and still eating proper foods and suddenly one day out of nowhere I got this craving for cake - Angel cake. I ate loads of it that day.

Anyway, we had our pancakes and I sat down on the sofa and then Rebecca asked if I was ok.

The reason I was not was because I was thinking about my best friend from school. Three weeks ago I knew she was pregnant. She knew two weeks ago. The thing I was thinking about was how strange it was that she was having her first child now and yet my child is 13, 14 in four months time. You know, the average age to have your first child in the UK is now 30 - for the first time ever. And that is even with people like me dragging that average down with ridiculously young ages. I'm not sad I had Rebecca when I did, I'm glad but what was making me sad was that my friend's life is just beginning and mine has been over already for years and will be for evermore.

All the time I just wait. Wait for death.

I feel as tho' with one hand I cook and with the other I brandish a razor.