...so I'll call it nothing at all...
2002-07-23 || 6:48 p.m.

I thought I was doing really well. Strange tho'. Then suddenly it kicked in and I started crying like a baby. My class have gone. Moved on. And I am going to miss them. I'll be ok and when I get my new babies in September I'll be fine but until then ...

Teaching is a strange job. I hate the pressure. I hate the criticism. I hate the stupidity and the rules and the curriculum (!) but I love the kids and now I feel bereft. I feel empty.

My life is like that anyway. I don't have - I was going to say 'much' but really I don't have anything other than my job because I have no social life. A lot of that is because of who I am and what I am. I am a loner and I don't fit in but I don't feel like a loner I feel like I'm a sociable type of person. I try to do the right thing. What I think it is, is that its obvious I'm trying - its obvious it doesn't come naturally. I don't really know what it is really but others are having this life around me and I'm the centre of the whirlpool - stationary. Part yet apart. Bollox. I'm just miserable and wallowing so pay no attention to me. But I do want a life.

Really.

I want things to be perfect and beautiful and right.

I want to be sure that there is someplace, somewhere where this is not only possible but actual.

And I want it not to be death but to be life.

(And I was going to call this entry 'Schools Out' and then I remembered that weird woman who accosted me on the street the other week and the Alice Cooper dream and I just thought 'Aaarghhh - no!).