Alienation
2002-04-21 || 10:41 a.m.

I am heartily sick of this.

I hate myself more than anyone could ever know.

If I didn't have hope then it wouldn't hurt so much.

I am pathetic. What gives me the right to think that I matter at all?

Why is life just birth and waiting to die? Why is there nothing inbetween?

I have tried so hard over the years to not be me. I have gone out, made friends, got drunk with them, gone places, had holidays, spoke to people who looked lonely, joined in with school stuff for Rebecca. When my life collapsed around me I wallowed for a relatively short time and then thought about what I could do instead and took a degree, trained to be a teacher and got a job. I'm always giving other people advice. I always accept others just as they are. But no-one will accept me.

It doesn't matter how much I try to join in. I just don't fit.

I just want to crush myself to death. To squash myself so flat that I no longer exist.

I hate me. I am alien. I am blank.

I am just not worth bothering with.

And I just fucking hate being alone.