Smells like mean spirit
2002-04-12 || 6:37 p.m.

Well I am thankful to relate that things are back to normal. Welcome to the land of the truly pissed off. Funny thing is, I have no idea why people seem to think they can just slag me without penalty. Oh yes, probably because I just sit there.

I need to rant for a minute so bear with me. Firstly, during our staff meeting this morning somebody started slagging off Rebecca's primary school. Talking about the sort of scum that send their children there and the catchment area it is in! Hey, I'm one of those scummy parents! Yes, I'm poor and I'm not ashamed of it. I'd rather be poor than self-fucking-satisfied and riding rough shod over other people's feelings.

Second rant. At lunchtime we went to the pub as normal. Unfortunately as the kids are not back at school yet it meant that Maria could come with us. Now I try really hard not to think nasty vicious things about Maria and I tell you - its not easy. But what does she start going on about? Oh yes, how unmarried mother's are really not the sort we want at our school (as teachers that is) and how if you get pregnant you should get married etc etc

Mmmm. Now I'm an unmarried mother so what exactly is the message she is sending to me? Well you don't have to be in possession of many fucking brain cells to work that one out now do you.

She was going on about how the parents would not like it. Blah blah fucking blah. Now forgive me if I'm wrong but wasn't Mary, mother of Jesus, the one she bows and scrapes to constantly, an unfuckingmarried mother? And do we really buy that impregnated by the Holy Spirit spiel? Well not me.

Oh God, its just so sad and small and crushing. We do people treat others like this? Why do they think they have a right to their bigoted opinions and why don't they actually read the Bible for once and learn something. Like, how about, take the plank out of your own eye before you try removing the speck from your neighbours (somewhere in Luke). Or maybe the parable of the hypocrite and the sinner in the Temple. Which one truly prayed to God? Well it wasn't the one making a holy show of himself now was it. (again Luke). Or what about how Simon treated the 'loose' woman but Jesus invited her into the house. (Matthew). Yes, I can read.

I know my own failings well. I know I am self-contained and a bit hard to get to know. I know I push myself too hard and am a perfectionist. I know I do the wrong thing with far more regularity than I do the right but I truly do try. Really. I am not a bad moral example. So I got pregnant - big deal. How can something life affirming be bad?

Maria knows nothing about my past or what has happened to me. That's the other thing I know about myself - I'm very secretive. If she did, would she truly want me to marry someone who would have killed me? Someone with such a drug habit he never has any money? Someone who pushes his own daughter around if left alone with her? You know, if I'm a bad person for not marrying him then LET ME BE BAD.