Pitched past pitch of grief
2002-06-25 || 7:25 p.m.

Ok, this entry is not nice.

Last night Alain was here. He attacked me again. What a total dumbass I am. Well, actually I'm a bruised arse. A bruise the shape of a boot arse. Shame its only on one side - I could have had a matching pair.

Yesterday Rebecca had a philosophy day at school. Its part of some sort of enhanced programme they've put her on. Yes, there was a reason for the file with all her drawings and strange scribblings. They've decided she's either mad, a genius or both. And just to cover themselves they've put her on this programme because, hell, they are a Beacon School after all. Yes, another one of Blair's great initiatives. Anyway, last night Rebecca was talking about some of the theories they had discussed. She was saying about our world not being the real world - that somewhere there is a perfect form. Somehow she managed to link this to us being nothing here.

I was thinking about this. You know, I'm glad I'm nothing. If I thought, for one minute, that I was something, then I might start to care about what happens to me and if that happened then I would not be able to cope. If you are nothing, you expect nothing, therefore you cannot be disappointed. Bleak maybe, but it keeps me sane.

Of course I don't apply this criteria to any other member of the human race. Its reserved solely for me. I have the monopoly.

And of course if I ever begin to forget this very important lesson then I have my lovely boot shaped bruise to remind me. And lest I should forget once the marking and pain have gone, I also have my demolished bathroom door as a permanent memorial. Stupidly I tried to get away but he couldn't let a door stop him, could he?

I really do think sometimes that I should not be let loose near children let alone be in charge. The funny thing is, that in all subjects I should be looking to add a moral/social element. In things like maths this means including paired work and group work etc to encourage good social relations. But what a joke. Me! a moral guide. I can't even keep from getting my own arse beaten. I despair of myself sometimes, I really do.

So last night, as I tried to lay in bed, I got to thinking. The one thing that always appeals to me is just to cease to exist. Well, really its to actually never have existed in the first place. I don't know whether this is possible or not but what I do know is that I couldn't go there. I have Rebecca to think about. So I thought that maybe I should try thinking positive. Today I bought the Big Issue - I was looking at the ads in the back. There were lots for voluntary work with accommodation and expenses paid. I suddenly thought: I could do that when Rebecca is 18. I'll still be in my thirties. As long as I'm in good health I could offer my services to VSO. And then at least something good might come out of this whole sorry, stupid, nasty mess.

So I'm going to remember today: 25th June, 2002. In five years time maybe I will be able to do something that will really make a difference. Let's hope so.