Enemies with horns and tails
2002-06-07 || 10:00 a.m.

So, today's the day.

England v Argentina.

Let's reel out the footage of the falklands war and smash the Argy bastards, eh?

The Daily Mirror has a sweepstake.

Is it on who will win? No.

Is it on who will score the first goal? No.

It's on how many minutes into the game Argentina will start to play dirty.

Correct me if I'm wrong but I seem to remember that the last time England and Argentina played in the World Cup, it was an England player who was sent off. None other than SIR David Beckham.

Now, why won't England win today? Is it because of the Maradona 'hand of God' memory? Is it because Argentina are dirty and menacing? Is it because we are the good guys and the good guys never win?

NO! It's simply because - hold on here - they are better players than England!

Yes, it's that simple.

But anyway, I do think England will win today. I had a dream about it a few days ago. Now I know my prophetic dream ability ended at the age of 16 when, totally frustrated, I shouted out loud in the middle of the night, "stop it! just leave me alone, I don't want this anymore". Apparently, according to spiritualists, this is exactly what you should do, should you find yourself in the unenviable position of having knowledge and experiences coming from somewhere over which you appear to have no control. Well, I didn't know that at 16, I was just fed up. Fed up of dreaming about nasty events that then came true. Fed up that I could do nothing about it. Helpless and powerless in the face of what seemed to be some sort of time slip. It may sound scary but I wasn't scared. I just felt that I had the ability to step outside time and I didn't believe (and still don't) that I was predicting the future, merely remembering the past. Ok, so it wasn't the past in my waking world, but it was the past somewhere.

So, I reckon England will win today. I don't give a flying fuck if they do or not. My advice would be - go place your bets on Argentina now. I'm notoriously unreliable.

And as for playing dirty. Well, if playing dirty equates to playing skilfully then, yes, Argentina will play dirty first.