The damned don't cry
2002-05-06 || 11:17 a.m.

This is one of the things I was thinking about last night.

I think a lot about why and who I am. I know I go on about it a lot in this diary. One of the things I believed in for a very long time was reincarnation. I still do to a certain extent but my crisis a few years back gave me doubts for the first time ever.

When I was a child I was really, really scared of one thing. Now most children are scared of the dark, or their parents dying, or them dying or a bogey man under the bed. This gives some idea of what a peculiar child I was. My major fear was that this was my last chance.

I really believed that if I didn't get this incarnation right I would be damned. Really.

I don't know that I think it anymore. I have this idea of the universe as light or more specifically the essence of it is love. I have this idea that we are made of this light/love and it can never be really pure when physicality is part of it. That is why God seems like a separate higher entity. But really it is just that God is not physical. Now I think being damned is being excluded from this love. I think that this is what will happen to me. I think there are clues all around that this is the case.

This makes me feel empty. I don't know if my coming to terms with this is the cause or the consequence.

When I was three I had my first 'past' life memory. It was as real as remembering what I had for dinner the day before. I was awake and asleep at the same time. The viewer and the participant. I can think beyond that now and think that maybe it was not personal, maybe it was part of a oneness of humanity. I don't know. The experience was individual but I don't know that we are not all one person anyway.

One day I will write about the details because I actually know the town I lived in. Allegedly.

When I was 11 I had another experience of a 'past' life memory. Again I was awake and asleep at the same time. Again this was just one incident. Not a wnole life of memories. Again I was viewer and participent all at the same time. This was feelings for one person and feelings about something they had done. If I had to place this in a time frame I would say it was early twentieth century. I can still remember their face and it must be 80 years ago now. But of course its also really yesterday or today. I truly thought I would eventually find them again. I don't think so now. Alain said to me once that it was not real. It was because I was 11 and going into puberty. I think he probably had a point.

I know this is a bit Carole King but I do think life is a bit like a tapestry. I think we are one part of the story but if we step back and look we can see everyone else's stories too. Until we can do that we are not really seeing. This tapestry is not flat tho', its three dimensional or more. The threads stretch out everywhere and hey, guess what, eventually form a spehere!

Lives are stories too. Where will you find mine? Well, not surprisingly,in the bargain bucket.

The thing is, we are all connected. These connections can be explicit or of a physically less substantial nature but there just the same.

The thing I haven't yet figured out is where does my 'aloneness' fit into this interconnectiveness of life?

Or was my childhood fear correct? Am I really damned?