you don't know what you're looking at
2006-04-12 || 7:02 p.m.

Yay! My diary! Where I can write anything I want. It's just as well really because I don't know where else I can say any of this. So, how have I been feeling today? yesterday? the day before yesterday? I don't know - it's hard to explain. I could say I want to blow my brains out because that is kind of my knee jerk reaction, but that doesn't come anywhere near close enough. I hate myself always and forever. To the ends of the universe and back again. And it is only getting worse. I could rub myself in human excrement from head to toe, day in, day out and still it would never come close to how foul I am. I can see no reason for my being other than to become an automaton for other people but those things that I tried too clumsily to bury with a smattering of dirt and a handful of leaves have just jumped straight out of the fuck ridden ground lately and they just won't fit back in the damn shitting hole. I am not going to be able to patch over this again. But am I strong enough to pretend? I guess that is the question. And I think really the answer could go either way. But of course it's way more complicated than that. I am happy to pretend for other people because other people - ALL other people - are just full of worth but somehow of course, no matter how good my intentions, my true nasty self just will surface. The hideous being that drags people down and has selfish desires to which they have no right and can, in any event, never have anyway. And oh, how I have tried to learn that fucking lesson. But still it's there taunting me.

So I have two choices: I carry on pretending and I rack my brains for the next few days and construct another shambolic funeral, another patch-up burial, I remind myself in whatever painful ways necessary of my true nature and my absolutely eternal undeservingness (if that's a word!) or I kill myself, once and for all. Because I've been thinking a lot about this, and really there will be no retribution. If I cease to exist the world will still turn, people will still breathe, nothing will change. I'm not going to have to answer for anything because nothing like that exists and there is nothing to answer for and the only thing that has kept me alive is this strange belief I had that whilst I had to be alive I should at least do some good for others. Well, maybe existing in this false philanthropic mode actually does more harm than good, as my depression seeps into people's lives and I inflict myself on otherwise beautiful people. No-one should have to endure the foulness that is me and there never has yet been an argument to convince me otherwise. I am worthless. And there is a very good and solid reason why I am worthless. I do not just say this idly.

So, it's decision day.