this hurts
2006-01-29 || 8:49 p.m.

And the veins in my wrists are mesmerisng and the pain in my head sits heavy like ice like always. And my utter dullness surrounds me like the vastest, widest ocean. And I feel so stupid that even the longest list of A-Z words of all the most awful faults in the world could not even begin to cover the flaws that are me. And from beginning to end, this never stops. I'm as stupid as I ever was. And that is beyond imagining. but it hurts, you know. It really fucking hurts. And I may have said it all a million times before but that doesn't mean it means any less. I'm sad and I'm hurt and I just don't get anything. But I think it's me, you know. I really do think it is me. There is something terribly wrong with me. And I want to hurt myself, hurt myself, hurt myself more than anyone could ever imagine. Because maybe pain will make the pain go away.