in a lonely place where the wind never howls and the rain never falls
2005-12-11 || 6:17 p.m.

It is lucky I am completely numb to everything these days. Gone are the urges to hurt myself. Gone is my cutting. The delicious days when I used to hack at myself just before bed and lay there with my arms throbbing and the material of my sleeves sticking to my arms. And then the morning when I would have to peel it off again and the beauty of more fresh blood mixed in with little dark scabs and bits of thread.

Yes, well all that has gone. I have no ability to do anything like that these days. It has gone to the same place as my reading. To the same place as my ability to appreciate any new music except what other people tell me to listen to. And I suppose to the same place as all my beautiful animals.

What I wouldn't give now to lay in the dark, bleeding.

But every part of me is crushed beyond repair. Even the dangerous, dark parts.

And people might think its a good thing that I don't cut anymore but actually its a very bad thing indeed. It's an indicator of just how far away from my true self I actually am.