i am drowning
2005-10-03 || 6:26 p.m.

I think I am kind of joyless. Jokes that other people make don't seem funny to me. It's not like I don't have a sense of humour - I think that I do - it just doesn't seem to coincide with any one else's which maybe means I don't have one.

When I walked up the road to my front door this evening I saw the skip outside what was Alf's house. Seeing the whole contents of someone's house in a skip is so sad and so poignant. All the things he chose to buy once. The things he looked at as he cooked a meal, the cupboards he opened. The furniture he saw first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Soon no physical trace will remain. And that made me cry.

I was thinking similar things the other day. It was while I was watching the ballet on Friday evening. I looked at the dancers and all I could think about was how one day they would all be dead. Everyone in the theatre would be dead. That one day my heart will not beat, blood will not travel around my veins. All those things my body does of which I am not even aware. All of them will become dust and dirt and gas. Something but yet nothing of what it was.

And that is kind of scary and comforting all at the same time.